Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Name this drama.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents