Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.