Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
You Might Also Like
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.