i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.