*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.