[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English