If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here