What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Tuesday
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Everyone’s family