Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.