Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Most fashion shows these days…
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats