king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.