You Might Also Like
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*