“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?