If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
doing some research
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
i think both sides are to blame here
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.