All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
lmfao
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The prophecy is fulfilled
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.