What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Seems legit
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!