A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
You Might Also Like
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Mission: Impossible
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
(Musicians.)
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Growing up was a huge mistake
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.