Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
We’ve come full circle
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?