I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
new record!
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.