This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You Might Also Like
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Bruh PLEASE
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget