I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Sniffing the broccoli
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”