[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
The days of good grammer has went
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me when someone tries to get to know me
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.