[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.