just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
When your man makes a valid point
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Saw online –
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.