SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]