Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit