“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.