[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I only eat vegetarians.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees