Teamwork makes the dream work.
You Might Also Like
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat