I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
This will never not be funny 😭
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead