UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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Put my back out twerking in the library again
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
i think we should see other cousins
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes