[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Aight bet
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.