At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.