[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.