Note to self: always read the final line
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
This one’s “Alex”.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.