[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
#FunnyLife Insects
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.