“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
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My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Great acting.. 😂
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.