All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
You Might Also Like
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT