Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The USS B port
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.