“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.