Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.