Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
waiting for halloween be like:
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.