[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Good boy 😂😂
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!