My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Huge”.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold