what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source