My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
peep davidson
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter