Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA