I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Travel bloggers during quarantine