In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)