You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Welcome to the stomach